That initial recap creates a space where the new, unwelcome information is less unexpected.

Tell me how you think she’s been recently … ”. For example, you could say: “I want to talk about Mum’s health. Rather than causing shock by blurting out news that is unexpected, begin by giving the background or (often better) by asking the other person to tell “the story so far”. Talking about these fears won’t make them a reality, and it may also encourage someone to access more specialist support. Teenagers, in particular, often feel misunderstood and “talked at” rather than listened-to, but demonstrating genuine curiosity can help them to explore their own experiences.ĭon’t be afraid to ask whether a distressed person feels safe: this question can unlock conversations about escalating tensions at home, school or work, fear of (or actual) abuse, thoughts of self-harm, worries about a terminal illness etc. What is the person you are speaking to telling you that you didn’t know before? How do they see the situation? How are they feeling? Use your curiosity to ask questions about their ideas, hopes and fears. In conversations about disagreement, try to present the most positive aspects of the other person’s view: it helps both of you to find common ground. Repeating their viewpoint back also helps the other person to feel heard and respected. Have you listened well enough to say it back to them? Check your understanding by repeating what you heard with empathy, starting with something like: “Have I got this right? You feel …” Instead of working out what to say next while the other person is speaking, just listen. The most effective discussions are when we listen carefully to the other person and try to understand. Shall we leave it there and chat again tomorrow/next week?” Listen to understand When you reach a good stopping point, say something like: “There’s lots to talk about. Remember, too, that sick or recently bereaved people have limited energy. Plan to chat for 10 minutes, or agree to press pause at a particular point, ready to return to the conversation later. Important conversations can go wrong if participants talk themselves to exhaustion. Inviting the other person allows them to consider and to prepare.īeing prepared also applies if someone catches you off-guard: it’s fine to say, “This is really important and I need some time to think before we have this conversation.” Pace yourself If there’s a delay, check you are not leaving them anxious about the discussion.

When would be a good time for you?” or “You seem worried about something and I wondered whether you’d like to talk about it some time?” They may agree to talk there and then. Try something like: “I’ve got something on my mind I’d like to chat about.

Make sure the conversation is a shared endeavour by starting with an invitation, rather than launching straight in. Instead of “difficult” conversations, I call them “tender” – and that attitude can make all the difference. You can even use them in text message conversations. These principles apply whether you are chatting in person, over the phone or during a video call. Here are 10 useful tips from my experience as a psychotherapist and doctor, developed while working in some of the highest-stakes discussions – the tender conversations taking place as people face the end of life. Tried and tested approaches can help to smooth the way.

Most awkward conversations